Friday, February 7, 2014

Kintsugi

Before I had children, I always promised myself I would not discriminate between my sons and daughters when it came to helping around the house.  My sons would do the dishes, washing, vacuuming, ironing, cleaning the bathroom and toilet, and so on, just as much as the girls.  You see, my bloodlines come from a culture where traditionally, the females do the housework, and the men, well, they don't.  I always hated this.  So I promised I would not pass this particular cultural thing on to my children.  We all live here, and everyone helps.  End of story.

Then my only son came along, with autism in the picture.  And all my resolute promises went out the window.

Not because I wanted them to, you understand, but because as I got to know his abilities (or lack, thereof), I just thought he would not be able to care for himself, much less do any household chores.  But I didn't think this at first - on the contrary.  During early diagnosis days, I was absolutely dead set that we would just work hard with him and get him all the help he needs.  And by the time he was school age, oh, he'd be able to speak and use the toilet and so on.  He might just have a few cute quirks, that's all.  Our dedication and hard work would simply overcome the challenges he faced with autism and everything would be ok.  Simple as that.  

...How naive' I was.

Obviously, this didn't happen.  Oh, we did everything right.  We worked with him.  We got help very early - we were consistent, positive, prayerful, persevering.  But at six years old, he still can't communicate effectively, still can't use the toilet, is still a danger to himself (more than ever), still needs to be physically cared for much like a baby.  And so, after some time, I resigned myself to the notion that Erik would never be able to help around the house.

This rankled me so much.  It really did.  Because after everything, the girls still do all the work and the boy doesn't have to.  Even with the very valid excuse of a disability, it still annoyed me so much.

Then one day, something amazing happened....

I found him doing this.





And what is even more amazing (and rather hilarious), is that when I walked into the kitchen to see what the noise was about, he became very vocal and began pushing me away.  Even though I hadn't touched him!  He was just worried that I was going to try to stop him.

Wowweeee!  I mean; far out!  I was totally gobsmacked!

Instantly, I seized the opportunity and tried to encourage him, and help with some of the dishes he didn't know what to do with.  He still didn't want my help, but smiled and settle down at words of encouragement.  But I was so worried he was going to drop a glass or a plate and shatter it everywhere, so instead, I called the girls to come and help him.  This help, he delightfully accepted.

I never realised that all this time, he had been observing and noticing when the girls would unload the dishwasher.  I never once thought that he might like to join in, that this might be a really good chore for him.  After all, every dish has it's place, all stacked in their respective groups, always put away in the same cupboards, and this should appeal to him enormously.  Why did I not think of this before?  And look at how delighted he is with this task!  He is even saying a new word in relation to it; "cups".  He puts away the cups, and says "cups" with a little lisp on the end.  Tooooo sweet!

Suddenly my mind was reeling with the possibilities.  I really felt like the sun had just come up in my brain - I guess it was a classic 'light bulb' moment.  Never had one like that before, no jokes.

The dishwasher!  Of course!  Now I am teaching him to put away his pyjamas and make his bed in the morning too.  Later on, I may show him how to clear the dinner table with the girls, and wipe it down.  Oh, the amazing possibilities!  And I can tell you without hesitation, that this is the most wonderful thing that has happened in a long time.  Probably as good as the first time he began echoing words.  I am so blown away and so happy.  

You see, this was a shattered dream once.  A small one - chores around the house - but still, a shattered dream nonetheless.  And there are so many of those little shattered dreams that pepper our lives once we received that diagnosis.  But now, this little shattered dream looks like it can be functional once again, and it's the most beautiful thing to me.  It's rather like Kintsugi, where the repaired vase is all the more beautiful for having been broken in the first place.

I am learning to let go of my negative expectations.  It's hard, but this is part of the journey.  I am learning to leave the door of hope and possibility open.  It's not that I ever gave up on him, it's more that I just kind of stopped hoping for the best.  But who knows what the future holds;  Who knows?!  Maybe my little man is struggling with so many things at the moment, but maybe he will be able to do everything!  After all, with God, nothing is impossible!

In the meantime, I just have to watch out for dirty dishes in among the clean ones in the cupboards.


xx

Saturday, February 1, 2014

The Kettle Is On...Must Supervise

Obsessions and compulsions are a typical part of ASDs, but they play out differently and with different intensities in each person.  They are about as unique as the individual.  One of the most common questions I have been asked when talking to someone about my sons' diagnosis has been:  "So, does he line up his stuff all the time?".  I must admit, it makes me chuckle, because the question is very stereotypical.

The answer is always; no, he doesn't.  He has lined things up from time to time, but so rarely that I usually grab the camera to take a pic because it's so cute.  My son is not a neat freak (thank God!  'Cause my house ain't neat most of the time!), and doesn't have to have his things set up in any particular order, but he certainly does have his patterns, obsessions and compulsions.

Eating and drinking...
He has a regular spot to sit at when it comes to eating.  Be it at the dinner table, the bench, or grandma's house.  He will only eat breakfast out of one particular bowl, but lunch and dinner can be out of anything.  He will rarely drink out of anything except his drink bottle or the Ikea plastic coloured cups.  No glasses, no straws, no fancy plastic cups.

Travelling...
The same route must be taken when we drive to various places, although he is now starting to relax with this.

Shopping...
Parking at certain spots at the local shopping centre means that we must then enter through certain doors.  If we ever park at one spot and enter through a different door, the boy is not happy.



Some of the most frustrating, and arguably, funniest compulsions that he has basically boil down to him having to 'supervise' certain events in our home...

Kettle...
If someone puts the kettle on, Erik will cease whatever he is doing - be it eating, iPad, dressing or showering, even playing outside if he hears it - to stand in front of the kettle and remain there until it clicks off.  When he first started doing this, he would scream and cry - not because the sound upset him, but because the kettle had interrupted whatever he was doing.  He couldn't help being compelled to attend to it, even if it meant missing his favourite song on TV.

Mummy put the kettle on!


Toilet...
For a long time, if a toilet was flushed - upstairs or downstairs - he would run to the couch and sit on the back rest until he could not hear it anymore.  This drove me crazy when trying to get him ready in the mornings (Can you imagine?  A household of eight getting ready for the day - those toilets are going to be flushing a lot!).  Mercifully, this compulsion is slowly relaxing.

Shower...
When someone is in the shower, he tries to get into the bathroom, just to hang around in there until the water turns off.  The amount of times my poor daughters have had the door burst open on them...!  If the door is locked, he will wait outside the door until the shower is turned off.  But while ever the water is running, you cannot move him from that spot!

Outside the bathroom door while Daddy showers. 


Microwave...
The microwave is another compulsion he has.  Anytime someone uses it, he drops what he is doing - just like he does for the kettle - and runs over to supervise whatever is being zapped in that microwave.  He has also discovered that it has numbers which count down to one, and that is a real perk for him.  Sometimes I hear him saying the numbers as they come up on the little screen.  Recently, he worked out how to make the microwave go all by himself.  I would often hear the microwave turn on, and dash over to find it running with nothing inside, and Mr Man watching the numbers in delight.  He managed to fry one microwave already doing this.  We have learnt that switching it off at the wall is a good idea.

What happens when all of the above are going on at once...?
Occasionally, we have a few of these things going at once.  At first he would stress out because he couldn't attend to everything.  Poor little tacker; that was frustrating to watch.  But recently, it seems to me that he has worked out a system of priority.  Microwave takes precedence over the kettle.  Microwave or kettle take precedence over the shower.  And the toilet flush has become something he may or may not respond to anymore.


If Erik has been put to bed, or is asleep, and happens to hear any one of these things, it is very likely that he will run out of his room to attend to the incident... bleary eyed and annoyed.  And so I have to admit, I have often taken to boiling water for my coffee on the stovetop,  or making people wait until he is sound asleep to use the microwave or kettle, or closing all possible doors between the bathroom and his room when there is a shower going!  Because sometimes, you just have to choose your battles!




xx

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Snippets

I really do miss blogging when I haven't done for a while.  Life can get so hectic sometimes, that writing about it often gets demoted to the bottom rung of the priority ladder.  But that is a shame;  it means that many events of note are unrecorded along the way.

I decided to give my blog some loving this week - hence the new look.  I will probably continue tweaking away to get it just right.  The focus will remain on my beautiful boy though... no more cakes, although I have come a long way with that since the first ghastly efforts I posted about and was once so very proud of!

Posting on my personal facebook page has been where I have shared about my sons new things and experiences.  So even though I haven't blogged extensively about these incidents, I have kept a sort of record of what was going on.  I thought it might be nice to gather some of them into one place.



19 December 2012
Got a little emotional at Erik's kinder concert this morning. It's hard watching him stand in the corner uncertainly while all his peers take part in singing and actions, and all the while knowing that he knows the song but just can't seem to participate. But it's ok. It's ok. I like to record these moments because one day we will look back on them and see just how far he's come. Also, right now I have in my possession an enrolment pack for ******* ******* School!! Super excited to be embarking on this next step in his life!! Even if we all embark with no words! 

20 December 2012
Most beautiful sound to my ears for the whole month.... Erik doing his best to echo "Everybody dance now!" and collapsing in fits of giggles with it  

25 December 2012
My son is doing amazing in church today. Broken pattern and everything!

6 January 2013
Isobelle is playing "Talking Tom" with Erik.... where she is saying things and he is ECHOING!!!!!   :'D

8 February 2013
Sometimes, when I have too many things going on, I don't know which one to start with or share. So I'm going to list them... yeah.... love lists :P:
1. Erik is still echoing lots! I'm loving hearing his voice and his words, even when he struggles to make them.
2. Erik has had his orientation at school, and I can hardly contain my excitement for him for this year! 
3. I'm so very grateful for this amazing country and the people in it. My admiration for anyone who works with children is huge, but for those who have a passion/desire to work with our special kids, it's even bigger. Thank God for you people, who care enough to find out why these kids do the things they do instead of lumping them into the naughty/bad/useless box 
4. About to start working on an exciting cookie project!
5. Erik has to be on the bus at 7:18am. Yay me... lrn 2 luv mornings .

11 February 2013
Waiting at the designated stop for the bus that has my son on it to arrive. More than a little anxious 

18 February 2013
Oh my goodness! Erik is carrying his own schoolbag, AND he said "bye" to me on the way out the door! Only three days of school and already this!

4 June 2013
I had to administer some medicine to Erik, who has not needed to have any for over 18 months. While he put up a fight, it was not the epic one I was expecting. And we managed to take the whole dose with no meltdowns! What a good little man! 

6 July 2013
He has been through 4 tops today. I wish the chewy necklaces I ordered would hurry up and arrive!!

8 July 2013
Managed to get some shopping done with all four today. Erik did very well, mostly holding Leila's hand. But we had a meltdown on the way out when we didn't stop at the playground. One lady tried to talk him out of it. Most people just stared at us. Erik on the floor screaming and crying and me trying to talk him through it and show him the picture of the car. He understood, he just didn't want to comply. Trolley in the middle of the walkway with my handbag hanging in full view (and grasp) of anyone who might decide to take advantage of the situation. Big girls looking nervous and worried, Isobelle trying to talk to me. But we managed to get him up and keep going (I had to carry him for a bit... no mean feat with his size compared to mine). Maybe go again tomorrow to get some more stuff. Short successful trips are good!

20 July 2013
Special day today! Went to the movies with the WHOLE family! That's Erik and Isobelle's first time at the cinema. They both did great! (especially Erik :))

30 July 2013
Isobelle: Mummy, can you feed me?
Me: No I can't darling, sorry. I need to help your brother.
Isobelle: But I'm little.
Me: No, you're a big girl now, you can feed yourself. But I need to watch Erik because he's autistic honey.
Isobelle: Why Erik is cheese stick?

... maybe it's too early yet.

1 October 2013
Erik put a much-needed smile on my face this afternoon. I made him a Nutella sandwich for lunch (basically the only thing he'll have on a sandwich besides cream cheese). He cheerfully exclaims "Attack!!" before tucking in to the sandwich. Hehehe... so cute 

24 October 2013
Tonight at dinner: Erik actually ate vegetables with his mashed potato! Win! And Isobelle used her fork as a dinglehopper. Interesting mealtimes at my place O_o

8 November 2013
Erik drew a person!!! Anyone who knows us will know how amazing this is!! He drew this the day Will came home from Kapooka. First time we've ever seen him draw more than scribbles!! Coincidence...? Maybe not....maybe he really did draw daddy!
Photo: Erik drew a person!!!  Anyone who knows us will know how amazing this is!! He drew this the day Will came home from Kapooka.  First time we've ever seen him draw more than scribbles!!  Coincidence...?  Maybe not....maybe he really did draw daddy!



7 January 2014  
Ok: Everyone pray for me today! I offered Erik jocks instead of a nappy today (don't know why) and he calmly accepted them! So I guess today has somehow become a toilet training day! Mr Strong jocks. So cute 

15 January 2014
I wish I could leave Erik's window open so the breeze could blow through his room. The room is so hot, but I can't leave it open in case he figures out how to push out the fly screen and climbs out the window .

26 January 2014
Random thoughts.... I wonder if I could teach Erik how to put away his pyjamas and make his bed in the morning. I wonder if I could teach him how to wipe down the dinner table...

29 January 2014
And so the holidays are over; just like that. I'm a little bit sad actually, but at the same time, I'm happy for my kids: They were bored at home. Especially Erik! And Isobelle starts kinder this year! Bet she's gonna love it 


So... I guess you can gather from all the above that there has been more echolalia, a little more interaction, and more social experiences.  Oh, and my husband joined the Army Reserves.  

Sadly, there has been no progress with toilet training.  This continues to be a source of frustration for me.  But I'm sure we'll get there.  

...Eventually.



xx

Sunday, October 6, 2013

It's The Big Ones That Count!

Brushing Erik's teeth has always been a challenge.  We manage to do it, but even from the outset, it has evolved much differently to the girls.  These days, I need to practically get him into a headlock with one arm, fighting off (or desperately trying to hold down) his arms with that same hand and brush his teeth with the other!  It is very difficult - fast becoming impossible - for me.  I have considered employing the use of a straight jacket at times.....

As a toddler, getting anything into his mouth was extremely difficult, and to be honest, dental care was not high on my priority list in those early days.  Toilet training and speech development was.  I had a lot to deal with at that time:  A new diagnosis and a newborn baby - both those things are enough all on their own.  So teaching Erik to brush teeth was not hugely important.  I never expected him to have sensory issues around it.  There was a lot I had yet to learn about Autism and it's many manifestations.

But it didn't take long for me to recognise that Erik had sensory issues to do with his mouth.  The first and most apparent thing, was his aversion to anything rough, crunchy, chunky - basically anything other than smooth and uniform textures.  This first became obvious with his eating habits, and later, with the things he would choose to mouth on.  He never chewed things at first, he would just lick smooth surfaces.  Basin rims, windows, table tops, smooth plastic toys...soap.  No wonder he couldn't stand having a toothbrush in his mouth!

I began the process of desensitising him a few months after diagnosis.  With advice from our speechie at the time, I began by rubbing a wet finger along his gums, being super careful to stay away from any biting! (This was no problem at first though, he never did go for a bite).  What he did do, was vigorously push my hand out of his mouth and away.  But it didn't take long before he would tolerate this - maybe a couple of weeks?  I started very, very small... only a couple of seconds at a time.  As much as he could handle.  As soon as he resisted it was over.  I didn't want to make it an unpleasant experience.  

I was supposed to then advance to using a face washer to rub over this gums, but I found this to be very impractical.  He didn't open his mouth wide, and the washer would really limit movement around his gums and was just too chunky to fit in there.  So I scratched that idea.  As chance would have it, this was the time he started picking up items to mouth on as he was playing.  I grabbed this opportunity with both hands!  Using a baby toothbrush - the silicon kind with a few little bumps on it - I introduced him to a new toy to mouth on.  At first, he didn't take to it - he is always initially averse to new ideas - but it wasn't long till he did.  

As he mouthed on this object, I would come along and move it gently around his teeth once in a while.  After this, we graduated to the silicon 'brush' - just like a regular toothbrush, but the bristles are silicon, so much softer than the normal bristles.  And of course after this, came the normal, toddler toothbrush.  At this point, he was allowing me to brush his teeth for him - an amazing achievement!  He would have been about 3 1/2 at this point, so it took the better part of a year to get there.



Introducing toothpaste was no big deal!  I was very lucky that Erik didn't have a problem with the taste of it - but then, I'm not sure I should have expected differently when he would happily eat soap, just for the texture!  But we started with the thinnest swipe over the bristles anyway- he did notice the difference, but it didn't deter him at all.  So I was able to increase the amount to the right size within a couple of weeks.  There was, and still is, no such thing as 'rinse and spit'.  Erik cannot spit.  Or blow bubbles - a similar activity from a motor planning perspective.  So, reminiscent of the very first finger swipe, I wet my fingers and swipe them around his teeth to wipe off as much of the toothpaste as possible.  These days, I have to be very careful of a bite - and it has happened more then once!

All went well for a while...Erik would allow me to brush his teeth, and then he would have a turn.  He would only ever brush the left bottom side though, and getting him to try other areas was a problem.  I think mostly because of motor planning.  But as time went on, instead of getting better, it just got worse.  

I don't know if his sensitivities increased, or what exactly it was that caused it, but little by little, he began to fight me as I tried to brush his teeth.  He would push my hands away and press his mouth shut so I couldn't get the toothbrush in.  But it was strange, he would do this at random.  That is, at first, he was fine with the idea and would allow me to get started, but in the middle of brushing, he would just suddenly rebel.  I could never pinpoint what it was that prompted this - whether it was brushing a certain spot, or length of time, or what.  It was a mystery.  He also stopped trying to brush his own teeth - playing with the brush instead and never actually getting it into his mouth.  Eventually, I skipped that part altogether and just insisted on brushing them myself.  Time constraints came into this too, having to get all children ready for school/daycare in the morning, I just didn't have time to diddle around waiting for him to be ready when he might not be for hours.

And so at this point, things are still pretty much still there.  Occasionally, he will try to brush his own teeth (for a little bit).  He comes willingly to the bathroom to get his teeth brushed - partly because of routine, and partly because, I guess,  he really doesn't mind too much.  It's almost an automatic or involuntary reaction for him to push the brush out of his mouth.  Although it's frustrating, I still think he does well to allow us to brush his teeth at all.  Some days are better than others - on some days, he can barely tolerate a swipe across each side.  Other days are much better.

I have learned now that he does best with the lower jaw.  The upper jaw he struggles with, and the top front incisors on the outside are the worst.  He fights me every time, he can't stand it.  I feel so sorry for him.  But we must be doing something right, because a dental checkup by the school dentist revealed that his teeth are in very good condition with no work needed.  Win!

Check out those pearly whites :)   I just wish he'd stand still for a minute so I can take a non-blurry photo!


This year, I expect to see him lose his baby teeth.  That will be interesting!  I have no idea whether he will spit them out or swallow them!  And I am concerned about the effect the loose teeth will have on brushing.  I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  He is getting bigger and stronger, and it is becoming very difficult for me to hold him steady enough to brush his teeth.  I really hope that the habits we have worked hard to instill will take over so that we can continue care of his adult teeth when they come through.  No holes so far, but they are just baby teeth.  It's the big ones that count!






xx

Monday, July 15, 2013

Starting School

Erik loves school.  He loves it!  I knew he would.  He loves riding the bus each morning and afternoon, and he is loving the stimulation that school provides.  He loves the routine and opportunity to play outdoors and on the play equipment.  He loves the music sessions and OT sessions.  It really has been the best thing for him.

On the first day of school, hubby and I decided to drive him in ourselves, and bring all the girls too.  This way, although they would go late to school, they would get to share the experience of their brothers' first day.  Unfortunately, the Autism-specific school is quite separate to the mainstream one the girls go to.  So they have missed out on all those exciting and proud times when a younger sibling starts school with them.  Bringing them along on his first day was a way to compensate for that in some small way, and they loved it.


Four kids in the back of the van.


Wondering where we are going.


In the schoolroom.  Girls will smile for the camera, Erik has more important things on his mind :)


Hubby has been the one to get up early and get Erik ready for school.  I cannot begin to tell you how much that means to me.  I am not a morning person - never have been.  Four children and ten years of managing babies has not made me a morning person!  If that hasn't done it... it ain't gunna happen!  But further to this, and perhaps more importantly;  Erik is a growing boy.  He is now up to my shoulder in height, and weighs almost half of my own weight.  He is becoming more difficult for me to handle, simply due to his size.  Most of the time, I am ok;  ie. When he complies with all activities and attends to the task.  But when decides to be difficult, or when he is simply not attending, I am really starting to struggle.  Brushing his teeth has become all but impossible for me.  This is where daddys strength comes in.  We simply need him to take on part of Erik's personal care just because the boy is getting too big for me.  (This entire issue deserves a post of its own.  But I will try to stick to the topic at hand).

Having three children at two different schools presents a logistical challenge for us, particularly because they are all of primary school age.  It's not as though we can send off our teens to get to school on their own while we tend to the younger ones.  Because they are all still young, they need to be supervised on their way in.  However, Eriks' school has a private bus service at no cost to the parents.  How lucky are we!  You don't have to take up on it, but of course, we did.  It means that all we have to do is get him to the pick up/drop off point, which is a lot closer to home than the school is.  The only problem is, we have been allocated one of the earliest pick up times and latest drop off times.  Erik needs to be at that bus stop by 7:18am.  And I don't get to pick him up until 4:42pm.  That is a very long day for him - (though he doesn't seem to mind).  So with the girls finishing at 3:30pm, this creates a major time gap for me in the afternoons.  I lose about one hour everyday just in time wasted because I can't really do anything substantial in between collecting the big girls from school and waiting for him.  It has turned out to be a bit of a pain really.  But in the end, we are grateful for the service as a whole, and I decided to try and make the best of the 'lost' time by leaving earlier than necessary to collect the girls and having a coffee with my mum while waiting.  It's good, because I get to see her a little bit everyday.

The bus.


Putting Erik on the bus each morning always leaves a little flitter in my heart.  Oh, I know.... letting your little one toddle off to school like a big kid is always a bit sad for mum, but this boy here... he is my baby.  He is so much more vulnerable than most other kids.  And to put him on a bus and wave goodbye...?  Eh.  It is hard.  I didn't do that with the girls!  And they aren't autistic!  But, we put our reservations aside, and let him take the bus anyway.  After all, they have been doing this for 30 years, so they would understand what it is like to deal with an autistic kid, right?  And Erik really does love it.  I knew he would.  He has always loved car trips, and anything with proprioceptive input.  The bus is a fabulous way to get a daily dose of that.  Twice!  

The school has a really good curriculum.  It is totally different to the sort of thing you would learn at a mainstream school, yet they still manage to do things related to numeracy and literacy and all the basic general topics that primary schools need to do.  Just not in the conventional way.  They fit them in around learning basic skills that normal kids can just pick up along the way.  Erik is learning how to communicate with PECs again.  He is learning how to actually sit for a group session - (believe me, this is a big deal for us!)  He has learnt how to get his own lunch box out of his bag and open it.  He is learning how to engage better, and, from the first week I could see such a difference! 

I love it when a toy manages to capture his interest!


From that first week, he came home so bright, so much more 'with it'.  He would stop me and look into my face, making eye contact and smiling at me.  He is echoing more, babbling more, repeating more things that he might have heard somewhere at some stage.  The second day of school, he was already wearing his bag!  I tried quite a few times to get him to wear his own bag during the kinder year, but he wouldn't have a bar of it.  These teachers are amazing!

Bag on his back = Win!!

They have taken him (and all the class) on excursions several times already.  To know that someone else has taken my son out and about without me is so far-out for me.  You have to understand;  I NEVER let this boy go with anyone but his father or myself.  For good reasons.  So knowing the teachers do this really makes me nervous!  But we gave our full consent at the beginning of the year, and my oh my, we have seen the benefits!  My beautiful boy is so much more compliant when we go out and about now.  He will hold his fathers or my hand willingly, and walk along with us with very little trouble.  I'm not saying that outings are now completely free of meltdowns and absconding, but those incidents are greatly reduced.  To the point where I have been able to take all four children out to get groceries, by myself, on two occasions these school holidays.  Amazing!

From early on in the school year, Erik and one other child in his class were identified as high priority for OT.  To know that they were able to see this need in my son, without me having to point anything out, was so reassuring.  They really know what they are doing; my heart is at ease.  On the other hand - and this is the bittersweet thing about having a child like Erik - it makes me a little sad to know that my child is one of those who needs intensive and specific attention.  But the point is, they are providing him with what he needs.

More and more I am satisfied that sending my son to this Autism specific school has been the perfect choice for him, and I couldn't be more grateful.  I love those teachers and aides - I really do.  I am grateful for my country, for the way they seek to include, assist and always look to do better.  Oh, yes, we could always do more.  But what we have is already a blessing.




xx

Monday, July 8, 2013

Enrolling In School

This post is a little overdue.  Ok way overdue.  We are already halfway through the year!  Still, I think I need to record this, if not to help someone else out who might be going through the same thing, then at least for memories' sake.

It's another long read.  And mostly boring details.

I started the enrolment process early last year.  Around April actually.  The system is so involved that many parents get lost trying to work out what to do.  I was very lucky to have someone who knew how things worked on the inside, and an excellent support worker through EI to help guide me and reassure me along the way.  No special favours, just good and timely information.  Knowledge is power as they say.  Nevertheless, I still encountered dramas and stress along the way.

Step 1.  Enrol at mainstream school.
The first step was to enrol at our local school, just the regular way.  So I did.  I went to the same school my daughters go to and placed an enrolment form.  I mentioned as I handed it in that I was, in fact, looking to send my son to a special school due to his autism.  So they knew from the beginning that this process needed to move further.

After this, there was an interview with the campus principal about the enrolment, just to confirm that Erik needed further assessments associated with the enrolment process.  It was quite some time before I heard back from the school regarding when those assessments would be.  This upset me a bit, as I had made sure to get in early so that my application would be in by first round.  However, we were not to begin assessments until Term 3.  I was very concerned at being put off until then.

You see, places at the special school are limited.  And often, parents do not know if their child has been accepted, until after the school year has already begun!  Not the parents fault, but the system is such that it just works out this way.  Very stressful for us.  Which is why I wanted to get in early, so that I would know for sure whether Erik was in or out by the start of December.  At least that would leave me enough time to arrange an alternative if he was not accepted.

Step 2.  Assessments.
There were three assessments that needed to take place; a speech assessment, a cognitive assessment, and a questionnaire completed by his kindergarten teacher (Vineland).  All had to be less than two years old, which meant that the reports I had from the speech therapist and psychologist at diagnosis time, were already past date.  Appointments were arranged, both to observe Erik, and to speak with the primary carer - me.

I was warned that this would be difficult for me.  Emotionally confronting.  The reason being that we had to look at my beautiful child from the perspective of the worst case scenario.  There would be a focus on the negatives here, not the positives.  Not the potential.  Only the lack and disability.  I was ready.  I was fine.  Sad, but fine.  I really didn't think anything we discussed would be different to what we see every day.  In a sense, we see the worst possible scenario every day anyway, and so, I am already accustomed to seeing 'the worst'.

The speech assessment was fairly straightforward.  Erik does not speak.  There are no words.  There are no sounds that symbolise words.  There is no communication whatsoever, including picture exchange or augmentative devices.  My son cannot communicate except by crying and screaming.  There was no confusion about those answers, the situation here was clear to everybody.

Erik's kinder teacher struggled to complete the questionnaire.  She had been told to answer according to his behaviour in the worst case scenario - Erik on a bad day.  This should not have been difficult though, as his behaviour was fairly constant, and was always at the severe end of the spectrum.  The problem for her was that she had been trained to see the best in children - to see their potential and report on the positives.  So telling it like it is for Erik was hard for her, and very discouraging.

It wasn't until I saw the report for the cognitive assessment, that my heart sank.  Bottom line; it could not be administered.  He was that severe.  And so, our psychologist had to estimate his cognitive abilities:

"...an attempt to ascertain Erik's cognitive capacity could not be made at this time.  Based on Erik's behaviour and autistic features, as well as extrapolating from his Vineland scores, it is estimated that his intellectual functioning currently falls within the 'Mild-to-Moderately Intellectually Disabled' range."

Wow.  Just wow.  He is so bad they can't even assess him properly.

On the other hand, 'Mild to Moderately Intellectually Disabled' - that is better than I expected!  I always thought there was more inside than people could see.  There is something in his eyes... a bright but elusive spark.  Intelligence and understanding.  Funny how some tests just can't pick up on that.  I could though.  And that one small line - 'Mild to Moderate' - made me smile.  It confirmed to me that I knew my own son well.  I just didn't expect anyone else to see that.


 Part of the Psychologists report.


Step 3.  Educational Needs Questionnaire.
Once all these assessments were completed, and Educational Needs Questionnaire needed to be filled out.  This was to be done in a meeting with the Psychologist, a representative from the Department of Education, the Principal of the school we originally enrolled at, and ourselves as parents.  This was where we agreed on a score for several areas to present to the Department of Education (DoE) as an estimate of his overal needs.  This score would go far to determine the level of funding the DoE would provide for him throughout his school years, and whether he was in fact severe enough to really need to attend a special school.  Once that was decided, a notification would be sent to the relevant school and an offer of placement sent to us.

Part of the ENQ.  Erik needs constant supervision.


The Waiting Game
Right throughout this process I had stressed to all involved that I wanted this done A.S.A.P, because we wanted to be sure of Erik's placement.  In my mind, the autistic school was the place for him, and there was simply nowhere else I wanted him to go.  But if he wasn't accepted there, we would certainly be fine to look into other special schools.  The one thing I knew for sure, was that mainstream school was not for him.  It would be completely pointless.

And so, the ENQ was sent off to the DoE.  Now the waiting game begins.

And I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  And then I began to worry.  The time was creeping by and I had heard nothing.  And so on the advice of my wonderful EI worker, I called the school to see how the application was progressing and if they had heard anything.

Good thing I did.

The Drama
When I called the school to enquire on the progress of our application, I was shocked to hear that they had already been contacted by the DoE, but had decided not to inform me.  The reason being, our application was returned due a missing signature.  A missing signature.  One signature.  Missing.  But, apparently, I was not to worry because it was all being sorted for me.  Oh, yes, by the way, it meant we missed the first round cut off.

"Livid" is a very mild word to describe how I felt about this.  Not only about the situation as a whole, but more so that the school deemed it unnecessary to inform me of this development.  Long story short, we discussed this error of judgment on their behalf and the principal apologised profusely.

But back to that missing signature.....  Way back when Erik was first diagnosed, he had a team of specialists assessing him.  One member of that panel had to be a psychologist, and it was his signature that was missing.  Apparently, he did not sign his diagnostic report.  The school tried to contact the clinic where diagnosis was made, but the psychologist had long since moved on from there. Unfortunately, the clinic staff were less than helpful, and would not forward the details of where this fellow had relocated to.  What made things more difficult, was that he was, in fact, from New Zealand, and quite possibly may have returned there by now.  Seems like we were not going to get this signature.  You can imagine the frustration I (and hubby) were feeling about this time.  I felt like my sons whole future hung in the balance, all over this one stupid signature.

Suddenly, it was vitally important to me that he attend the Autism-specific school.  No other school would do.  The threat that he might miss out on a place due to these delays made me realise that this was far more important to me than I had originally thought.  I began to stress hard.  I cried, and prayed, and poured my heart out to those people I knew who were connected to the school and who understood the process.  I received nothing but the most gracious support from them.

In the meantime, the school principal had tried to contact the head paediatrician who was on the diagnostic team.  She had a previous history with this doctor when he had treated her own children for something many years ago, and they were on good terms.  Nevertheless, it was his receptionist that took the calls and relayed the information, as he was too busy to fuss with an annoying issue like this.  His response was, that 'no such signature was required at the time'.  End of story.  But the DoE would not budge.  They insisted on that signature.  It didn't matter that Erik's case was clear to all - including the DoE by their own admission! -  They wanted that signature.  Red tape much?

I cried and stressed and cried some more - there was no way we could get a hold of that psychologist to get a signature from him - what were we going to do?

My EI worker sent an email to the Autistic school, my SIL called her colleagues at the Autistic school, and our playgroup facilitator, who also worked for the Autistic school, spoke to the principal there. In case you're wondering - yes, I felt this was overkill.  But they insisted, and did not mind.  And so, word was sent back to me that a position was held for him in the school and I was not to worry.  They fully understood the red tape that frustrated everybody, and knew without a doubt that Erik qualifies and would receive funding (eventually).  I was encouraged to go ahead and enrol him anyway, and not to worry about the funding.  In fact, they even sent out the paperwork so I could do so.

This went a long, long way to allaying my fears.  I couldn't thank them enough for going out of their way just to reassure me that he would have a place.  I prayed with a grateful heart thanking God for these wonderful and caring people.  I just found it amazing that all these people were so positioned in my life at just such a time, so that I could find this reassurance - not taking for granted that many other parents simply do not have this privilege!

In the meantime, the assessing psychologist came to the rescue with the application, writing up a new and current diagnostic report for Erik, and signing it, so that the application could move ahead.

April last year.  An Easter treat for my babies - the chocolate is bigger than their heads!  LOL

And In The End....
I assume the funding all came through.  But to be truthful, I have still not heard back from the DoE or original school as to what his funding level is.  We received an offer of placement from the Autism-specific school, and the rest is history, as they say.

He has been there two full terms already, and is loving it.  And I would very much like to know what our funding level has turned out to be.  Maybe I should chase that up......






xx