Saturday, November 27, 2010

Spiral Down

I haven't written for a long time. The reason is that I haven't been feeling the best. I'm not sick or anything, just very down at the moment. Sometimes, things are just too much, and I feel like I can't cope anymore.

It's nothing in particular... just life in general. I can't say why it gets to me this way from time to time, but I know it does. Usually, I see the symptoms of it before I realise what's going on. I start to get behind on the housework... the washing piles up, there is a constant stream of dishes to be done; toys, papers, books all over the floor, overdue for vacuuming, bathrooms waiting to be cleaned.... I look around and don't know where to start. And there are so many other things to do besides the menial tasks required to maintain a home as well.

Quite honestly, I hardly get more than 20 minutes at a time to get any task done. Most of the time, I can deal with the constant interruptions - that's just motherhood. I have children, small ones who need my attention for various things all the time. But sometimes, it just gets annoying. I can't commit to getting a task done from start to finish unless children are asleep, and there is only so much TV that I will allow them to watch. Working through when my babies are sleeping also means that I don't get a break through the day, so I confess that whenever I can, I take that opportunity to rest. The times when I don't, I can hardly get through the day - and I'm not kidding.

The house is one symptom. Other things I start to notice (which are probably all connected anyway) are within myself.... I feel lost and more tired than usual. I can't seem to gather my thoughts and structure my day - even a simple tactic of making lists is hard! I stare at the paper and can't articulate my thoughts into words to write down. I have found myself staring at the kitchen bench, wondering what I went to do there. On the way to drop the girls to school one morning, I totally missed the turn-off into the street.... just kept driving. I start forgetting stuff. I struggle to cope with my sons tantrums, and the daily effort of dealing with him becomes so frustrating that I just want to sit down and cry.

At this point, when I become prone to tears, I usually start wondering what on earth is wrong with me. And then I get it. It all begins to make sense. These are all symptoms of depression. It's familiar, because I've had it before. And because I've had it before, I know that I am a little more susceptible to falling into it again.

So I'm in a bit of a downward spiral at the moment. The point where you recognise where you're at is usually enough to halt the fall for me, but halting it is not necessarily the same as coming back out. Climbing up the spiral takes work. As if I haven't got enough to do already.....

I have to say, through all of this most recent trench, my husband has been wonderful. He has not pressured me to get things done around the house, not asked why dinner hasn't been cooked (kids had 2 minute noodles) - in fact, he went back out one night and bought home some Indian takeaway for us. The days where I've made what feels like a colossal effort to get the place in order, he compliments me and says how he appreciates my efforts. In this gentle, no-pressure manner, he motivates me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and make my way up again. I can't say how much it means to me that he doesn't guilt trip me over the state of things... especially when I'm already beating myself up over it all.

Anyway, November is not over yet. Hopefully, I will be able to add in a couple more blog entries before the end of the month. Lots of baking to do, some cute things to report, and hopefully, a more positive note to end the month on.

Despite it all, I am still smiling. I hope you are too :)


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