I Want To Tell You...

Dear Erik,

You blew my mind yesterday son, did you know that?  I bet you didn't, because I didn't really express my excitement as much as I wanted to.  I worry about freaking you out a little bit with an overreaction, so I tend to keep a reign on my excitement when you do something awesome.  I tell you quietly and privately that that thing you did was very good, when really what I want to do is jump up and down like a maniac, and whoop and holler to the whole world.

Yesterday, two things happened that made me smile and reminded me of the inextinguishable little flame of hope inside me; that one day, I will hear you speak proper and true.

The first thing, I wasn't even there for.  I heard it from your aunty, who works at your school, but I believe every word anyway.  There was a change in the buses at school and you were to take a different bus home.  Different bus, but same route.  You were the kid who flipped out over having a different bus.  You were the one screaming and fighting and trying to run off.  While it breaks my heart to know that you were so distressed over the changes, your aunty tells me that you said something to all those people who were trying to convince you to get on that bus:

"No! No!  Wrong bus!"  You cried.

When I heard about this, it took my breath away, son.  You, finding those perfectly appropriate words and speaking them out in a perfectly appropriate situation, has left me speechless.   And I still can't find the words to express how I feel, knowing you. said. that!

You escaped the grip of the teachers and aides around you and ran to your aunty, whom you recognised among the group of people around, and threw yourself into her.  This too blows my mind honey;  You went to the most familiar face for help and comfort!  And yes, she was able to get you calmly on to that bus.  By the way, I have to say, you still didn't look too impressed about the whole situation when I picked you up.  Cutie.  But oh, my darling, if you only knew how much those words mean to me.  You said that;  you really said that!  Amazing!

The other thing that happened was at dinner that same night.  We have had a different flavour of cordial lately, and you decided it is the wrong colour and you would not drink it.  So earlier that day I bought you the flavour/colour that is familiar to you, and made up a small jug of cordial just for you, so you didn't have to have water when the rest of us had cordial at the dinner table.  You babbled a few things, and then asked for 'poodiyoh' as we have been practicing lately.  But when I reached for the little jug instead of the usual one your cordial is served in, you quietly but clearly said;  "I don't want that", and made me put it down again.

Your aunty happened to drop by and had stayed for dinner with us, and you should have seen her face.  It reflected just exactly what I felt inside;  gobsmacked, delighted surprise.  But instead, I responded to you as I might respond to one of the girls when they say something like that;  "Oh, you don't want that one honey?  But it doesn't matter what the jug looks like, it's what's inside that matters.  This is the cordial you like.  Let me pour it for you".  You let me.

My son, you made my day, you made my night.  You will never know how much your beautiful words mean to me.

Those two sentences that day are so much more than mere words.  They tell me that you understand what is going on around you, more than I often give you credit for.  They tell me that you have more words in your head than you can get your mouth to make.  They tell me you know how to put together a sentence, even if you can't make it come out of your mouth, or on the iPad.  And they tell me that the ability to speak is there, even if it is still very tiny and you are struggling with it a lot right now.

You totally blew my mind with these things, and I am so in love with you my darling boy.

One more thing honey;  Did you know that your name means 'Ever ruler' or 'Always conquerer' ?  Well it does.  And I don't think it is by accident that we named you this.  I remember praying over you when you were but a day old in the hospital.  In my arms I held you, and began to pray a blessing.  But then I found that I was praying things like 'overcomer' and 'conquerer' and that God would be with you on the hard road before you.  I remember stopping in shock at the things I was saying, and my heart cried out No!  No!  This is not what I want for him!  Why am I praying this?  But it seems my spirit somehow knew what my mind never could at that time.  I wept and cried and wondered what on earth it all meant.  It took nearly two years before we knew.  But here you are my son, overcoming, conquering, little by little.  And I know God is with you.

Don't you ever forget that.  He knows exactly how your brain works, and exactly what is going on inside.  He knows everything about you - everything you can't tell me, He knows.  And He will always be there for you, even when I can't be.

I love you to pieces my little Mr Man.  And you will grow handsome, and strong, and kind, and clever.  You made me proud yesterday, and I just wanted you to know that.


With love beyond forever,

Mum  xx