Tuesday, March 23, 2010
My boy is shy. Yes, he has ASD, but he is also quite shy.
Most of the time, the only company I have at home during the day is my little two. Mr Man is only 2.5, and my baby, 5 months. As you can imagine, I have little to no adult conversation until the hubby gets home (hehe...he gets an earful then, the poor guy :P ). So I converse with the kids sometimes. They don't answer. The little one usually smiles - mummy is the whole world to her right now, and she hangs on just about every word I say. But my boy...well, he usually ignores me, or passes a fleeting glance my way.
That is most of the time.
Sometimes, as he did today, he looks up at me 'automatically' - the way you'd expect a normal kid to do when you speak to them. He makes good eye contact and holds it there for a few seconds. And I must note here, that this has been improving amazingly over the last several weeks. A result of speech pathology and early intervention no doubt. Anyway, on rare occasions, he holds this eye contact for a fair bit longer than just a few seconds. He looks like he is really checking me out. Investigating my face....trying to read me. I love this. The funny and cute thing is though, when he realises just how deeply he is engaging with me, he becomes extremely shy. He smiles shyly, and looks down or away as though he is embarrassed! It always makes me wonder why. I want to tell him:
Why are you so ashamed my love? Why do you hide yourself from me? Don't you know I love you..? I adore you! Everything about you is sweet to me, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about! I long to hear words spoken from your heart. I want to know about the things you love, the things you like, the way you see the world. So don't hide away my darling child....you are beautiful in every way. And I love you.
And then, I wonder if this is how God feels about me.