I don't really know why I am posting this. Lets see..... I can say my intention is not to 'slime' people with my problems. It is not to try and elicit sympathy for my 'terrible lot in life' either. Truth be told, I am happy. I am at peace with it all. I have a wonderful husband and beautiful children. Hubby has a job and we have a place to live. We have food, family, friends.
All that doesn't necessarily mean I float along with a smile on my face and song in my heart all the time. I am having a bad day. Maybe a bad week. Toilet training especially has my stress levels jacked right up there. I guess I am posting because it is a way of processing for me, and a way of spreading awareness of what comes with this territory.
Sometimes, the isolation and judgement from others really is too much. This morning I went to drop my girls off to school, late. Hubby stayed home with the small ones, so I was able to actually go into the office with them to get a late pass. The lady at the office, in a very hushy voice, asked me how I was. I smiled and lied 'Not too bad thanks, and you?'. She didn't answer. She didn't smile back. She just looked at my girls and said our surname as she searched on her computer. I was a little surprised that she knew their name without having to ask. It is a big school. I said:
"Oh! You know our name. Is it because they come here alot or because you just know all the names?" I smiled. She looked up at me from the corner of her eyes and said very smugly:
"Oh I see them alot. Not for being sick. I see them alot for late passes". She smirked and tossed the late passes at us over the counter. I could just see the judgement oozing off her. I stood there and said nothing. I was so ashamed. Thinking about it now just makes me want to cry.
My girls do go late to school sometimes, but it's not that often. And it's not that late. A late day for us usually means I have dropped them outside the school at 2 minutes to 9. So they can't possibly be so late every time. Yes I know it is not a good habit anyway, but truth be told, this is a recent development. Before I had the baby miss, when my little man was much smaller, late mornings were almost unheard of with us. He was easy to sort out, pack up and put in the car. Not anymore though. And it's not always directly because of him. Sometimes it's me. Having a child with special needs is very taxing - mentally, emotionally and physically. And some days, the thought of having to drag myself out of bed to manage four other people, including one on the spectrum, before I can attend to myself is just too daunting. There is no one to help me, and I must do it alone. I guess, according to the office lady anyway, I'm just not good enough.