No poo this morning. I'm a bit disappointed. He has been very irritable today, and I'm pretty sure it's all about not being able to 'go', or rather, choosing not to 'go'. I have put him on the toilet a little more today. Trying to pick up my game in that area. So hard. He still fights it, but not as much. I still dread it though.
We put pants on and go to the park. He stays dry for the whole time we are there, which is about 1.5 hours. Good boy! A couple more times sitting on the toilet through the day. To no avail. I suppose I have to revisit at the aim of that: And that is to encourage him to be comfortable and settled on the toilet. Not so much to have him poo or wee there already. I guess. Wee maybe. Ugh. Who knows. I'm so confused and discouraged right now, I can't even think straight.
Don't need anymore details of the day other than the fact that he went upstairs to wee again. Anywhere where nobody will notice him is what he aims for. So it was upstairs, on a desk on the landing. He likes to climb stuff, so he was on the desk when he wee'd. I had only just got home from an errand, so didn't have the chance to actually follow him when he first went up there. I had looked around and asked "Where's Erik?". Nobody realised he wasn't actually in the room, or the next room. And so I missed another wee, and I feel like we're not getting anywhere.
Depression over the toilet training and even my life's role as a carer to this amazing little guy are sinking in. My life - our lives - are so limited because of him. I wouldn't swap him for anyone, and I wouldn't undo him if I could, but oh sometimes it is hard. To watch life passing you by with things you want to do and achieve and you know you can't, because you have to be on call for this precious life. And I feel guilty for feeling depressed. And it all goes 'round and 'round.
Later that evening, I notice he needed to wee again. So I take him to the toilet. I let him stand around rather than sit on the seat. I sit down on a little step stool in there and talk and play with him. He finally got so desperate, he just couldn't hold on anymore. As soon as the wee stream started, I grab the bucket to catch the wee. "Good boy Erik! Wee! Good boy!" I gently try to encourage him. He did try to push the bucket away this time. Not very strongly, but still. I am so disappointed when he does. It feels like two steps forward, ten steps back. Still, I caught most of it in the bucket and then emptied it straight into the toilet while he watched. "Wee goes in the toilet Erik. See? Look. Wee in toilet". I gave him a chocolate freckle, and then, being that it was bedtime, put his pj's on and put him straight to bed. I'm emotionally exhausted. Very glad I caught at least one wee today, but so disappointed in all the missed ones.